Take a peek if you’re curious what that faceless nation is really all about. And I simply cannot call caking plastic surgery and mirrors as having a face.
Seems like I’m at that really stale part of the pond of earlier life right now- jobs aren’t exactly all that, dreams and goals aren’t coming quite together, and worst of all I’ve no idea what to really do about much of it at the moment. Haven’t written in this part of the blog for a minute, but venting always helped so here goes…
New Year’s resolution will definitely be to find an interest-relevant job and make the best of it unlike the majority up to this point. Else it seems that revisiting the good times of the past is keeping me going since those were the things I truly enjoyed and actually saw, felt, and properly experienced as opposed to all of them being mere fantasies. Wish some epic events happened more often, but alas. Also waiting for the snow season to start up (for me) to get back into my ocean and feel like a fish again. Haven’t waxed my board in ages; haven’t been on snow in what feels like forever; and sadly still no balls to try going sideways on concrete… But anyway, gonna keep it together the next few weeks and make the best of things happening and hopefully things to come as well.
The ones who never have the guts to say exactly what bothers them to your face.
The ones who get over-worked up over most trivial things on their own accord.
The ones who just can’t take a hint after its been practically unwrapped, warmed up, and spoon fed to them.
The ones who can’t let anything go for it will crush what little guts and false ego they desperately catered for way too long.
To all such poor, demented minds- face the reality, look at the cards you actually have in your hand, face your past losses and play it smarter this time. If not, get off the face of planet Earth.
For the past, perhaps 3 years, I’ve been noticing more and more that my sense of an outsider lies far beyond some cultural concepts or tastes or hobbies- it lies within time itself.
People within 5-10 year gap above AND below are the only ones I actually manage to get along well with save some dear, dear outliers to that rule. Really doesn’t make much sense, right? For most people its usually a lag one way, typically that they enjoy a more mature, older crowd. For me though, it somehow swings both ways. Older timers offer that aged feel and tastes that my own generation might never even develop, and select youngins offer that fresh, free outlook on life that once again, my own generation has already forgotten.
On average, I end up not fitting in with anyone around here and its quite a defeating kinda feeling. To boot, everyone is usually happy living in their own bubbles thus last thing in the world that they’d bother trying is fitting me inside of theirs. Nor would I want to fit in that way.
Always a double-edge sword, as I always put it, and my point will be how to make sure that you’re the one cutting rather than getting cut.
Impressions are everything due to the general culture that most of our societies developed, but they could well be used to your own advantage. Quite similar to hunting, you have to know the rough environment you’re about to make your hunting grounds and thoroughly familiarize yourself with its inhabitants, their customs, their views on outside influences including wherever in those you fall under.
Next comes either blending in and acting just like they would… no, that’s not exactly making an impression. That would be laying down and playing dead. Go in guns blazing enough to get everyone’s attention, but without disrupting their environment to earn some instant infamy. Become a black sheep sloppily wearing wolf’s clothing.
Now pick your prey and go in for the kill- starting a casual conversation. If this environment or group has anyone who could be pin-pointed as a leader, start with them. Now speak on their terms, in their language. That alone will completely blow their mind since they’ll see that despite being a black one, you’re still a sheep just like they are. Past that, its your proficiency with the sword of conversation as to how well you fare in the hunt.
This goes predominantly based on my own encounters and statistics across roughly 12 years in this area, and applies mostly to this area’s native population and perhaps selects few migrants who settled in and feel right at home here. DC, MD, VA or the DMV area.
Egocentricity: most people here, when it comes to their deep-down level of feelings, ultimately only really care about themselves. They don’t much care to better their mentality nor intake outside opinions since their inner sanctum is always perfect.
High school cliques for life: the small circle of friends that hasn’t expanded much since high school or perhaps college is the only friends people here ever need. They may not even care about majority of that circle, but they choose to default to these people anyway not to be alone. If their posse bothers them, they will resort to gossip, but continue the relations.
Narrow, hive mind: go to school, go to more school, start a generic career, find a wife, make some kids, and throw away their potential life-living for good. Quite a few societies operate just like this, and this particular tri-state area highlights this path especially. Once the natives find their supposed comfort path, they’ll seldom try to veer anywhere off of it.
So at the end of the day, I hope that most of such people die in a fire or at least eat a nice, big dick.
After some thinking, I’ve come to yet another realization as to why I dislike the western society that’s predominantly guided and driven by religious principals. This structure supports both the able and unable members in hopes that everyone will pull through one way or another as long as they have moral support to guide them through their crises of life.
Senses of morals are too, heavily influenced by the presence of religion, hope, and faith rather than the individuals’ own logic and reasoning on that subconscious level of mind that is shaped by the person’s environment from birth to maybe early 20s.
So whenever a less successful individual faces a major crisis in life, the society automatically lends some moral support to help that individual pull through and stay sane afterwards. This helps keep up the numbers, but does not solve the problem of ability. Some weaker members of these societies forever remain less able, but continue to live and waste supplies since they are always aided in some way and encouraged to continue living.
In the eastern world, besides a generally more dense populations, plenty of the societies are guided solely by laws rather than any kind of religious moral support. The results? A modern version of survival of the fittest.
Weaker links lose their sanity more often and as soon as that impedes on the society’s stable flaw, such links are weeded out due to breaking certain laws. The stronger and capable members shape and sharpen their logic and reasoning and continue to gain momentum and success as long as they do not interfere with the society. They also lack much of the subconscious collective moral and comfort of automatic aid, so they tend to stay on their toes much more than the westerners.
I feel that the ability to function within a society, but being strong enough not to have to rely on superficial support creates a perfectly clear state of mind, completely unbiased and governed by sheer logic and reasoning. Thus, west tends to generate a sharper hive mind and east progresses certain individuals to extremely high levels.
I know that I have comrades who are waiting to find me. People who are bored or tired of the routines they see day in and out and perhaps begin to wonder if there’s a true light of hope waiting for them somewhere out there.
I stand outside in the bitter cold. I watch the clear sky with some stars through the smoke that rises from my cigarette. Repeating feeling washes over me just as the chill breeze over my face- I am alone, right now, where I stand. I’ve seen all sorts of people here and hardly met anyone I could truly connect with. Time goes by. My vision become more and more monochrome by the day. Smoke continues to rise until it leaves this sad place and disappears from my sight, and I clench onto my hope.
A simple hope that somewhere, someone is hoping for the same thing as me. And this little hope allows me to remain here until my shackles are taken off and I too, just like the smoke, can float away in search of a place where I am welcome and needed to fulfill the same exact hope.
Several friends told me that writing this down one day or another would be a good idea, so I feel now is a dru… as good as ever. Ahem, anyways-
It was a time of general turmoil more me, on the emotional side of things, and I know many of you can relate to that. I was a bundle of confused chaos trying to ride things out as best I could. Continuing my, at the time, newly acquired routine I happened to be blessed with a dark angel who’d continue to shed light on my world for years to come.
Our meeting was statistically as likely and timed as right as winning a lottery, yet it managed to happen. I was in awe that someone like her would actually notice someone like me, being in pieces completely aside, and perhaps the only thing I managed to do right is take that initial chance. She seemed pretty fascinated with me, continuously puzzling my inner demons which rebounded right back on my own end of things. Stage was scrambled, actors without knowing their scrips made to improvise on the spot, and the show did go on. Everything played out as right as two people who just met were willing to take it- a birthday dinner in a foreign place. Conversations kept relatively shallow, but eventually led to a thrilling ride and a promise to pay back a birthday present.
Fast forward two weeks and I was back in the same concrete jungle, not knowing what to expect but a place to stay and paying back my honorable dept. The gift was semi-awkwardly, yet presentably packed and I waited for her presence to confirm the right landing spot. Things checked out and after a warm, yet stranger-level greeting I went into some warmth and coziness of an apartment. It was neat and fairly well decorated, down to a lovely python than she adored ever so much. Couple of drinks down and presents unwrapped and awed, evening was on its way.
Looking back at it now, here is when things started to derail from how flawlessly I had initially handled them without even realizing so- here I was, a stranger in a lovely home, about to share a bed with someone who has fascinated my broken world. The way she carried herself was friendly and nice, but with a strong aura of cool, sophistication that scared the living hell out of me. Why would someone of that caliber warmly welcome me, not only at their abode, but their only little sanctuary in this crazy concrete jungle. Timid and cornered by my own stupidity, I played it completely safe and scurried off to the opposite side falling safe asleep.
Next morning I was greeted with a welcome to an authentic breakfast which, as thankful and delighted as I was with it, did not help my overall mentality. I was desperately trying to act my own shit up to that godlike level to avoid being potentially looked down on or ruled out of the equation. The day itself went very well and fairly easy as she showed me around the city. Dinner was nice and casual as well. Evening filled with gaming. No matter how you looked at it, it was a perfect equation for a birthday. Early night ended up at a bar where her friends were putting on a banger show.
More things went offset here too, albeit extremely pleasant and surprising. She would stroll away to green her seemingly good and old friends, glancing back my way if not pointing me out each and every time. That followed by my actual turn to introduce myself second-hand and then, be given compliments on my so called date. Quite the unexpected considering the overall situation I was in- a new kid, not even on the permanent block, in a city still vastly unknown.
After that was all said and done, I got my white steed and we galloped back home.
Here in the October cold, it was time to settle down for the night. I subconsciously pulled another trump from my sleeve and suggested we cuddle up for warmth instead of frying me with a heater. Suggestion taken well and I had her in my arms. Peacefully, for a change, I was finally dosing off with all my fears and doubts aside. Only thing I recalled was waking up for a split second somewhere in the middle with her pressing against my back, with her arm reaching out for my warmth.
Next day went on relaxed and planning for the Halloween to come shortly after. I suggested my home base area for all the events happening, but she plugged me coming back up to party it up with her and her friends. A suggestions that didn’t even take me a second to accept given the same accommodations.
And so came Halloween. Same old arrangement. Went for a nice night out in the town with her friends and private celebrations they were going to attend. Everything went very well, and as her friends later pointed out per my inquires, we came off as a couple despite keeping a professional attitude out in public. Sunday haunted house event brought me a little more time to shine and shelter her from immense cold that surrounded the line outside. Haunted house itself was very well done and managed to give her a good few scares, and the end of the night is where I seemed to blow my hairline chance. We got back around midnight and I declined the offer to stay due to having relatively feeble obligations in the morning.
After that night, communications halted abruptly and concerned me quite a bit since I made it public being busy the next few weekends. Nothing seemed to ever get through since then and I felt hopeless enough to seek helps from her friends. They explained that she’d just go completely off radar every so often and clarified that they thought we had something building up from the weekend they got to observe us. Interesting, but still helpless nonetheless.
Christmas was upon us and I finally managed to receive any sort of a reply. A typical Christmas party was happening that she reluctantly agreed for me to attend as well. Being the foolishly confused and rebuilding kind of guy, I went ahead and changed that day.
When I arrived it was far too early for anything, so I lost myself in the jungle until appropriate time of some reasonable sort to get in touch. It was starting to snow, but I paid no attention since I had too much on my mind as it was. I finally got to her place and brought my sacrificial offerings of fresh flowers and communal booze for the later festivities. As the preparations went on, she subtly shut down my every attempt at future common grounds based on memories, long, long past.
Party itself was cozy, but grand. Everyone had fun. I was pretty exhausted and eventually collapsed for a brief nap on her bed. After majority of the guests poured out, I woke up to realization that the blizzard wasn’t helping my sleeping situation since I wasn’t exactly welcome anymore for the sake of saving face before previous guests. I armed myself with a borrowed trash bin to go and struggle my buried car back out via exhausting 3 hours of digging while getting my sneakers and jeans completely soaked, on top of freezing my bare hands. When all was said and done, I gave her another little present from my adventures and bid her farewell. My defeated escape was tough, but I managed to pull through.
Fast forwards half a year worth of various and some unfortunate events, I found myself at a bar mid town reminiscing about my past. First and natural recall resulted in expected results, so another drink down the line I figured to try my next best. She actually replied to my hurt and provocative message, which gave me some new hope despite the fact that I wasn’t looking for it. Conscientiously anyway.
A day later, a fated encounter did take place, against quite a few odds of a lazy Sunday evening. Atmosphere was completely in my hands and the past mishaps resolved. She was relaxed and laughing every other sentence. And at that time, that was just that- good enough of a recovery back to step one.
I elegantly drove the conversation towards general romance and learned a funny new detail that explained my questions albeit quite sadly- she simply gave up on romance, at least in the real world. And without any other details nor prior-known facts I knew the full weight behind those words.
At the one year mark from that day one, I incidentally decided to surprise her with an ice cream melting kind of a reaction gift which brought the expected smile on my mind. Regardless of the direction, I wasn’t going to let the next birthday slide, especially with a new, cultivated, sniper kind of wild shot I had planned.
That evening came sooner than I knew given my recent luck otherwise, but I was going to make the best of it as per new personal tradition. How wild of a shot did I prepare besides the traditional offerings? Lets just say that you never know how gifting new music to a seasoned musician may turn out, but I went by my honed-in senses based on only one piece beforehand. The results? Just short of spectacular. Level cleared.
Next encounter was semi-imposed, on new year’s eve, but not without another heart-melting gift for the Christmas past. I felt and played it completely neutral and the brief encounter went extremely well. Not to mention the best new year’s celebration for me to date.
After that, contact was over half a year later, now with some doubts about my real feelings, but masking it for the sake of consistency. Nothing crazy or flashy, but I still saw myself out at a time appropriate due to further appointments.
The encounter relatively soon after that was just as fruitless, but mostly due to my trump card being prior blown away by a close friend of hers.
And that brings us up-to-date. Clearly the master, time, had us go our separate ways in life, but as they say- you cannot command the heart. Given that she still visits my mind enough to say, write something like this, it’s pretty clear that I do in fact love her; however, I also know for a fact that its on my full terms rather than some whim or infatuation of sorts. I didn’t plan my life to be even remotely near her for any kind of future encounters, but the feeling remains- she deeply impressed me, stole a place in my heart, and influenced me in music beyond anyone or anything else in my life thus far. Whether I confess these exact feelings to her, just the way they are, is up to the lottery of time and place itself, but I know that I will gift her a worthy farewell before its too late. Properly. In person. With the same smile on my face as I had before her for the past two years.
Went out to perhaps one of the classiest venues in DC with a friend last night. Wasn’t sure what to expect although I had a decent hunch, and it wasn’t wrong after all.
Place was screaming top class from the very door all the way through and through- expensive wood decor, fine stone, elaborate glass sculptures hung from the ceiling of the second floor, private tables and sections everywhere. Bars charged starting from pretty much $10 for some bullshit drink and prices went sky high after that. The patrons and hosts alike were dressed the part down to that expensive, important looks in their eyes, practically oozing money from most of their orifices. I’m pretty sure that style was in second place after wearing the most expensive brands these pigs could get their wallets on. Most gents looked so much alike they were like a giant blob of suits and sweaters. Ladies were your typical Barbie dolls, most likely with heads full of plastic and money. And this is what our society calls the top.
Seriously? What exactly is the fun at the higher step like this? Flashing your assets and status? And to think that I was originally headed towards that myself… All I can say is that I’m extremely glad that my mind and eyes were opened to real joys in life instead of this imposed puppetry more than half the population actually strives towards.