Several friends told me that writing this down one day or another would be a good idea, so I feel now is a dru… as good as ever. Ahem, anyways-
It was a time of general turmoil more me, on the emotional side of things, and I know many of you can relate to that. I was a bundle of confused chaos trying to ride things out as best I could. Continuing my, at the time, newly acquired routine I happened to be blessed with a dark angel who’d continue to shed light on my world for years to come.
Our meeting was statistically as likely and timed as right as winning a lottery, yet it managed to happen. I was in awe that someone like her would actually notice someone like me, being in pieces completely aside, and perhaps the only thing I managed to do right is take that initial chance. She seemed pretty fascinated with me, continuously puzzling my inner demons which rebounded right back on my own end of things. Stage was scrambled, actors without knowing their scrips made to improvise on the spot, and the show did go on. Everything played out as right as two people who just met were willing to take it- a birthday dinner in a foreign place. Conversations kept relatively shallow, but eventually led to a thrilling ride and a promise to pay back a birthday present.
Fast forward two weeks and I was back in the same concrete jungle, not knowing what to expect but a place to stay and paying back my honorable dept. The gift was semi-awkwardly, yet presentably packed and I waited for her presence to confirm the right landing spot. Things checked out and after a warm, yet stranger-level greeting I went into some warmth and coziness of an apartment. It was neat and fairly well decorated, down to a lovely python than she adored ever so much. Couple of drinks down and presents unwrapped and awed, evening was on its way.
Looking back at it now, here is when things started to derail from how flawlessly I had initially handled them without even realizing so- here I was, a stranger in a lovely home, about to share a bed with someone who has fascinated my broken world. The way she carried herself was friendly and nice, but with a strong aura of cool, sophistication that scared the living hell out of me. Why would someone of that caliber warmly welcome me, not only at their abode, but their only little sanctuary in this crazy concrete jungle. Timid and cornered by my own stupidity, I played it completely safe and scurried off to the opposite side falling safe asleep.
Next morning I was greeted with a welcome to an authentic breakfast which, as thankful and delighted as I was with it, did not help my overall mentality. I was desperately trying to act my own shit up to that godlike level to avoid being potentially looked down on or ruled out of the equation. The day itself went very well and fairly easy as she showed me around the city. Dinner was nice and casual as well. Evening filled with gaming. No matter how you looked at it, it was a perfect equation for a birthday. Early night ended up at a bar where her friends were putting on a banger show.
More things went offset here too, albeit extremely pleasant and surprising. She would stroll away to green her seemingly good and old friends, glancing back my way if not pointing me out each and every time. That followed by my actual turn to introduce myself second-hand and then, be given compliments on my so called date. Quite the unexpected considering the overall situation I was in- a new kid, not even on the permanent block, in a city still vastly unknown.
After that was all said and done, I got my white steed and we galloped back home.
Here in the October cold, it was time to settle down for the night. I subconsciously pulled another trump from my sleeve and suggested we cuddle up for warmth instead of frying me with a heater. Suggestion taken well and I had her in my arms. Peacefully, for a change, I was finally dosing off with all my fears and doubts aside. Only thing I recalled was waking up for a split second somewhere in the middle with her pressing against my back, with her arm reaching out for my warmth.
Next day went on relaxed and planning for the Halloween to come shortly after. I suggested my home base area for all the events happening, but she plugged me coming back up to party it up with her and her friends. A suggestions that didn’t even take me a second to accept given the same accommodations.
And so came Halloween. Same old arrangement. Went for a nice night out in the town with her friends and private celebrations they were going to attend. Everything went very well, and as her friends later pointed out per my inquires, we came off as a couple despite keeping a professional attitude out in public. Sunday haunted house event brought me a little more time to shine and shelter her from immense cold that surrounded the line outside. Haunted house itself was very well done and managed to give her a good few scares, and the end of the night is where I seemed to blow my hairline chance. We got back around midnight and I declined the offer to stay due to having relatively feeble obligations in the morning.
After that night, communications halted abruptly and concerned me quite a bit since I made it public being busy the next few weekends. Nothing seemed to ever get through since then and I felt hopeless enough to seek helps from her friends. They explained that she’d just go completely off radar every so often and clarified that they thought we had something building up from the weekend they got to observe us. Interesting, but still helpless nonetheless.
Christmas was upon us and I finally managed to receive any sort of a reply. A typical Christmas party was happening that she reluctantly agreed for me to attend as well. Being the foolishly confused and rebuilding kind of guy, I went ahead and changed that day.
When I arrived it was far too early for anything, so I lost myself in the jungle until appropriate time of some reasonable sort to get in touch. It was starting to snow, but I paid no attention since I had too much on my mind as it was. I finally got to her place and brought my sacrificial offerings of fresh flowers and communal booze for the later festivities. As the preparations went on, she subtly shut down my every attempt at future common grounds based on memories, long, long past.
Party itself was cozy, but grand. Everyone had fun. I was pretty exhausted and eventually collapsed for a brief nap on her bed. After majority of the guests poured out, I woke up to realization that the blizzard wasn’t helping my sleeping situation since I wasn’t exactly welcome anymore for the sake of saving face before previous guests. I armed myself with a borrowed trash bin to go and struggle my buried car back out via exhausting 3 hours of digging while getting my sneakers and jeans completely soaked, on top of freezing my bare hands. When all was said and done, I gave her another little present from my adventures and bid her farewell. My defeated escape was tough, but I managed to pull through.
Fast forwards half a year worth of various and some unfortunate events, I found myself at a bar mid town reminiscing about my past. First and natural recall resulted in expected results, so another drink down the line I figured to try my next best. She actually replied to my hurt and provocative message, which gave me some new hope despite the fact that I wasn’t looking for it. Conscientiously anyway.
A day later, a fated encounter did take place, against quite a few odds of a lazy Sunday evening. Atmosphere was completely in my hands and the past mishaps resolved. She was relaxed and laughing every other sentence. And at that time, that was just that- good enough of a recovery back to step one.
I elegantly drove the conversation towards general romance and learned a funny new detail that explained my questions albeit quite sadly- she simply gave up on romance, at least in the real world. And without any other details nor prior-known facts I knew the full weight behind those words.
At the one year mark from that day one, I incidentally decided to surprise her with an ice cream melting kind of a reaction gift which brought the expected smile on my mind. Regardless of the direction, I wasn’t going to let the next birthday slide, especially with a new, cultivated, sniper kind of wild shot I had planned.
That evening came sooner than I knew given my recent luck otherwise, but I was going to make the best of it as per new personal tradition. How wild of a shot did I prepare besides the traditional offerings? Lets just say that you never know how gifting new music to a seasoned musician may turn out, but I went by my honed-in senses based on only one piece beforehand. The results? Just short of spectacular. Level cleared.
Next encounter was semi-imposed, on new year’s eve, but not without another heart-melting gift for the Christmas past. I felt and played it completely neutral and the brief encounter went extremely well. Not to mention the best new year’s celebration for me to date.
After that, contact was over half a year later, now with some doubts about my real feelings, but masking it for the sake of consistency. Nothing crazy or flashy, but I still saw myself out at a time appropriate due to further appointments.
The encounter relatively soon after that was just as fruitless, but mostly due to my trump card being prior blown away by a close friend of hers.
And that brings us up-to-date. Clearly the master, time, had us go our separate ways in life, but as they say- you cannot command the heart. Given that she still visits my mind enough to say, write something like this, it’s pretty clear that I do in fact love her; however, I also know for a fact that its on my full terms rather than some whim or infatuation of sorts. I didn’t plan my life to be even remotely near her for any kind of future encounters, but the feeling remains- she deeply impressed me, stole a place in my heart, and influenced me in music beyond anyone or anything else in my life thus far. Whether I confess these exact feelings to her, just the way they are, is up to the lottery of time and place itself, but I know that I will gift her a worthy farewell before its too late. Properly. In person. With the same smile on my face as I had before her for the past two years.